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| Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | | 10:11 pm |
| | Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 | | 1:25 pm |
i smoked right before i went to bed the past few nights. my dreams have been insane. | | Sunday, October 5th, 2008 | | 10:13 pm |
god damn ive been super lonely lately. | | Sunday, September 21st, 2008 | | 2:17 am |
its weird. ive always just kind of been like, why do i like this girl so much. why wont she ever leave my mind. even for a day. but ive just begun to realize tonight i mean shes fucking beautiful. i love everything about her. her sloppyness when it doesnt matter, and her perfectness when it does. i watch her change from a "nice outfit" to a tshirt and some silly shorts to sleep in. and my opinion on her looks just looks cuter. her opinion on everything is completely real and unrehearsed. i respect everything out of her mouth, no matter how harsh, on me, or anyone/anything else. ugh. iim sitting here typing in such an unconfortable position. but i have to get this out. she is the only person that if ever called me, and i didnt wanna talk to them, id still answer. shes the only person whos ever done what she wants, and been proud about it.she poses a giant threat in my life, yet i dont give two fucks. i can tell her anything, and not really care. i can feel very very proud in holding her hand in any situation.she has a very serious disease and i beat myself up for it. which you might think is a bad thing. but from things ive said in the past. i cant ever stop beating myself up for that. i have to say it was by far the worst thing ive ever said to anyone. and i just wanna kill myself for it. i just... i dont even know why im writing this its just been on my mind for a while now. i cant stop. i just love that fucking girl. she drives me nutz because im not what i used to be in her eyes my only goal is to put that happiness back into her eyes, to look at her, tell her i love her, and have her be genuenly happy about it. feel safe, feel like she belongs, and have her feel like shes loved. because she is. she very much is so. ive loved this girl longer then i ever would have imagined. and i love this girl more then i ever loved anyone. and i dont think i will ever stop loving this girl no matter what her real decision on me is. its just a slow process that im willing to spend my life on, just to get that trust back in me, and to get this girl to love me like she once did. she changed me more then anything else could. and it was for the betternote: add on after i posted this. i realized one of the best qualities. and i think the best thing was, i didnt give two fucks. because i was happy. this girl made me more happy then anyone ever could. this girl was the best at whatever i wanted her to be at. say out of 6 milllion things. she would be the best at 59999999 things. and that one thing. id rather watch this girl do it .000001% worse then anyone else do it then anyone who was a pro at it. i just fucking love this girl. she will be mine at one point in time. im not making a statement and im not trying to prove a point. i made this because all of this is true. and i love this girl. and shes amazing and doesnt deserve what she gets. and the bigest part of this whole piece of shit is that i cant give her what she deserves. yet | | Monday, September 15th, 2008 | | 11:34 pm |
things are looking up i only say that because im high as shit, sipping a mixed drink, listening to music with a bag of mushrooms in my pocket thinking about tomorrow. | | Monday, September 8th, 2008 | | 12:29 pm |
ive been havin the craziest dreams ever lately. | | Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 | | 12:23 am |
NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT.
I CAN NEVER WIN THIS.
BUT I'M NOT DONE TRYING.
NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.
I WILL SUCCEED.
I'LL BE HAPPY AGAIN.
YOU WILL SEE.
| | Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008 | | 6:30 pm |
it just fucking blows. ive been miserable for so long now and i obviously know why. ill never be happy like i was. saddest part was, i thought i wasnt that happy then, and now look back. it was amazing. now i cant ever go back. i dont think i will ever be as happy as i was back then. im gonna go back to beating myself up some more. | | Friday, August 29th, 2008 | | 2:30 pm |
i had a crazy dream last night. im gonna try and explain it. but even right now most of it doesnt make sense, and i forgot the order of the events. it all started out with me and some friends wanting to go somewhere. get away. beforei know it im cruising what looks like a shitty part of downtoawn detroit in a huge ass mobil hope type big bus thing with scott mullich, ross maguire, and 3 kids we didnt really know that rode bmx. i'm chilling on the top of the bus smoking a cigarette watching all the crazyness go on around us as we drove. i was just constantly fearing for my life because it was as if scott was always going way too fast for the narrow car packed roads and he never used the breaks. red lights or whatever. he'd always just swerve, and i just always felt like i was about to fly outta my seat considering there were no seatbelts, so i was always grasping stuff for my life. we ended up at some shitty ass skatepark where a ton of hoodlums were skating and talking shit on eachother, just like most skateparks. i rode around for a while but mostly watched because i hadn't ridden in so long. i didn't lnow wherer my friends were, i was just watching random kids. so at some point, scott and ross and those other 3 kids came back and were walking torwards the park with their bikes and boards. i say whats up to them and whatnot. we all start riding around. theres always those weird spectator people standing at the fences and stuff. and i notice one looking at me for longer then you should be. it's weird, because i didn't think of her being all that amazing looking at first. but she definently wasn't ugly, plus she was with 2 other girls, one which looked a lot like her and at the time i prolly couldnt tell them apart. i brushed it off as nothing and went on with my day. so now we had to find a place to sleep. i guess we didn't take this into consideration because although we were driving around in a big mobil home thing, for some reason we never slept in it. so we went wandering around town to find somewhere. we ended up in this big warehouse thing that looked exactly like "secret". the big abandoned warehouse thing with a zillion weird ass rooms in it in downtown plymouth. place scared the shit outta me the first time i went. now it just seems a little creepy. anyways. it was just like that, all weird old machines around and hooks and broken glass everywhere. we went in and theres just a buttload of people already sleeping. on makeshift bunkbeds and whatnot. we find out own little cove and all go to sleep, horribly. this is a big clusterfuck of a paragraph huh.. well anyways, we all miraculously wake up at exactly the same time like the movies or something. and we kinda blurry eye'd stumble out of that mess of a "bedroom". we go walking through downtoan area and notice a concert thing going on. so we're like what the hell and decide to check it out. we go walking through the town once again looking at all the strange things going on around us. there was a man on stilts, but they were really crutches up sidown. there was a batman looking car roachin the tires for a group of little black kids. there was a car being crush by some big machine way off in the corner. i dont even know. a lot of weird shit happeneing around us that in the dream, i just thought was cool. now looking back, i dont know how i came up with this stuff. but anyways. we get to that concert, and were just grooving out. scott pulls out a bunch of liquor from his pockets somehow just like scott always does. we get all hammered and stuff and listenin to the music which turns out to be some of our favorite bands.... somehow... then i notice those three girls are only a little in front of us. i head off to the bathroom as the alcohol just rips through my body way too fast. and as im walking back, that one girl was waiting for me. she says "youre following me huh". im just kinda like. "nah. we just wanted to come to this concert and get silly. listen to some music" we go on chatting for a little while about why were there and what were doing/have done. turns out her name is melissa. she has red hair and light freckles. prolly about 5'5. im bad at guessing weight, but she was good. a lot prettier then i remembered her being at that skatepark. so we walk back to our groups and scotts talking to that other girl that looks just like melissa. i instantly forget whos who. i dont know why. but i did. anways. we all left as this huge group now wondering what to do. i said i had to go to the bathroom really badly so we walked through the shitty downtown and ended up at some public bathrooms near an old rundown movie theator. i walk into the male one, actually. i openb the door, walk in, then walk out and second glance the sign to make sure i was in the right one, because there was a pretty bad looking tranny in there. so i walk back in and theres this little kid crying his eyes out next to me while he's peeing. yea i dont know. i was just peeing in this shitty urinal. but as im walking out, i hear him mumble. "why would a bully want to crap in the urinal". i just kind of giggled knowing ive done this before. then told the group about it. now were walking down to find somewhere to sleep again. i suggest "secret" they say its one of the shittiest places ever. so we ended up in that movie theator that was all run down. it was the 3 kids wandering infront of us. scott ross and the other two girls walking in the middle. and me and melissa walking in back. i then noticed how dumb ive been and that that other girls hair wasnt red, more of a brownish. and their eyes were different collors. and one was slightly skinnier and had a smaller butt. hm. but anyways. i could tell them apart now. weird how that worked out because that happens to me in real life too. never can tell somone apart until you know them real well. well anyways im patting around and realize i dont have my cigarettes. melissa askes where i left them blah blah blah. im thinking the concert, then ross said that i didnt have them there, because he wanted one and i told him i left them at secret. so mellisa and i venture off at like 3 am to go back to secret and find my cigs. we climb in through this weird window and jump down because its sort of underground, the first level anyways. its all tinted green from the walls and the weird candle somone had lit. i instantly stomp some dude on accident jumping down. so melissa stays up. i look around and spot them. i pick them up. not mine. but i took em anyways. along with about 4 other packs with only a few cigs in each one. i hand them up and we get out of there. we go back to the theater and everyones asleep. so we fell asleep cuddleing. next day we wake up and scott and ross and this other kids were gone. i got a message saying they went to the skatepark. i was starving. so me, melissa, and her semi-twin looking girl went to get food. we were sitting out on some green lawn in the middle of what now looked more like downtown plymouth, and not some shitty ass rundown town. i just sit there because i hated pretzels and they got soft pretzels. they asked me why i didnt get anything. i was starved. but i wanted ice cream. mint chocolate chip ice cream. so we all walked to the ice cream place and i got my icecream. melissas friend bought cigarettes and got asked for an id. she handed it to him and i noticed it said october 23, 1985. i was like wow. you totally dont look that old. i woulda expected 18-19. and then melissa told me it was her older sister. she was 18. her sister was 22-23. strange, i would have taken it as the other way around. anyways. some more events happened that i dont really remember. i do remember meeting up with the gang again and cruising around the now again shitty downtoawn area in our huge bus thing. once again sitting up top by myself smoking a cigarette just thinking. i was still fearing for my life, as strange cars pulled out in front of us and scott still refused to brake ever. there was one that looked like a straight up hotwheel weird ass fast car painted like a tiger. pulled out within like 4 inches of us, then took off so fast i lost sight of it within seconds. we ended up back at the skatepark. we were all riding around, couple of the bmx kids were tearing it up so they were mosst of the show at the time. the girls disapeared. went to go do something else. im not sure what happened a little after this. i just remember seeing a ton of car crashes and a lot of fire/riot things going on. but i didnt seem to care. seeing that stuff put me in a really bad/depressive mood. i ended up strolling off by myself. i ended up squatting on this wagon in secret off in the corner of this big room. just leaning back against the walll looking up out the window watching peoples feet walk by. a group of about 5 or 6 grungie looking kids came in. noticed me and came over to me. one picked up this big stick and started questioning me. i didnt even look at him. i just kept looking at the window. he kept going, what, are you def, cmon say something or get the fuck out of our spot. he started banging the stick really hard on the side of the wagon and threatening me. i finally looked at him. and told him to stop. he then picked up this prison like weapon. was more like a shard of glass wrapped in a shitload of tape for a handle and started carving get out into the wagon. he also had some book in his had. i jumped up thinking he was gonna stab me soon. i grabbed the big stick and smacked the book out of his hand and told him to leave me alone. i wasnt hurting anyone. and he lunged at me. he kind of cut my arm a litttle but it wasnt anything. i smacked him in his legs with the big stick and he went down. i then hit him atleast 10 more tims in the stomache, back, and kidney area until somone walked in. it was tom bonnell. the first friend i ever made when i moved to canton. he used to be so big and fat. now hes slimmed down a ton and big football guy. anyways he walks in with a fifth of somethin in his hand and yells evan. seems like hes super excited to see mee, but super pissed that i just beat the fuck out of his friend. i tell him what happens and tom kicks the kid in the side whos still laying on the ground. i dont remember the rest of the night. i remember i went back to the movie theator to meet up with the guys and melissa. we went to bed. then i woke up. i was sad it wasnt real. | | Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 | | 11:58 pm |
its just fucking sad how depressed i get sometimes over a stupid relationship | | Sunday, August 24th, 2008 | | 3:24 pm |
i took melatonin last night. had a super crazy dream. it was amazing. and i was so happy. so nervous. brought back memories of other times like that. too bad i woke up even more depressed. | | Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 | | 4:32 am |
well sometimes, well acutully, most of the times. i dont post because im too drunk or bored. and well to be honest. usually its because im too sad. and tonight. ive drank a lot. and have been thinkingking for the past .......... 6 months or so. and its just as if, somone should be constantly punching me in the face. i missed out on something that was more than amazing and no one even tried to point it out to me. now i cant even go back to try and fix it. to be honest. i dont give 2 fucks how long it takes. how much you fuck up and how many mistakes i make that upset you. i will do anything to make you happy. no matter how long it takes. i dont even care if im 95 and surprised i lasted that long, id still be happy for you to still say to me that you loved me. | | Monday, August 18th, 2008 | | 12:03 am |
i wish i knew what i know now when i was younger | | Thursday, August 7th, 2008 | | 5:10 pm |
wow. my life sucks. she just pointed it out to me. and because it sucks. i can't be happy. | | Thursday, June 19th, 2008 | | 10:56 pm |
the shit i would endure for just one more chance. | | Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 | | 3:05 am |
can somone please tell me anytime i do something right (or start/have been), it just backfires on me and i get absolutley nothing out of it. people wonder why im an asshole a lot, and in reality, i think its just because nice guys finish last. and that seems to be the story of my life. any fucking time i do something nice, karma acts backwards. so you guys can all go fuck yourselves. tell your friends too. | | Monday, April 14th, 2008 | | 12:09 pm |
almost. one day. it shouldnt be too much longer. | | Sunday, April 6th, 2008 | | 9:37 am |
yesterday i didnt feel like going to work. so i didnt i quit my job. today, i violated probation. the cops are looking for me. warrent out for my arrest. ill see you guys when im out of jail maybe. | | Monday, March 31st, 2008 | | 3:48 pm |
I'm in a crisis, I need help
Come on mood shift,
Shift back to good again
Come on mood shift,
Shift back to good again
Come on, be a friendNina Twin is trying to help, and I
Really hope that she succeedsThough I picked
The thorny path myself
I'm afraid, afraid of where it leadsChemicals
Don't strangle my pen
Chemicals
Don't make me sick again
I'm always so dubious of your intent
Like I can't afford to replace
What you've spent
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!Nina Twin is trying to help, and I
Really hope she gets me straight
'Cause my own inner cosmology
Has become too dense to navigateOh oh oh oh oh oh oh I'm in a crisis, I need help
Come on mood shift,
Shift back to good again
Come on mood shift,
Shift back to good again
Come on, be a friend
Come on, be a friend2, 3, 4 Chemicals
Don't flatten my mind
Chemicals
Don't mess me up this time
Know you bait me
Way more than you should
And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals!
Come on, chemicals! | | Monday, March 17th, 2008 | | 10:19 pm |
i would seriously give anything for it to be fucking real again |
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